In this with you until the end
by LuckyStarPham
Summary: Catherine runs back to Steve when he needs her the most. If the only way she could stay in his life is by being just a good friend, then she would be determined to do so.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello. I've been writing this one for a while, but never got the confidence to actually post it. I still think about this story every night before going to bed, so I decide to just post it so that I have more determination to keep writing more and making it better. Let me know what you think~_

_P.S: I'm looking for a new proofreader. Paula is great, but I feel bad that I bothered her whenever I posted a new chapter :D So if you have time and if you don't hate me too much, please step forward hehe. I need your help! Thank you~~~~_

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"**In this with you until the end"**

**Chapter 1:**

Catherine opened the door, stepped inside Joe's ranch. This beautiful place didn't change much since the first time she stepped foot on. Steve called her three days ago, breaking the news. She had texted Steve her ETA after she landed, so she assumed Steve was expecting here, hope he wouldn't greet her with a gun pointing to her face. Her heart almost broke for him the moment she saw his face. Intense, almost emotionless. She knew he was trying to bottle up his feelings inside, to deal with Joe's death on his own way, but she couldn't let him do this on his own. There was nothing she would want more than to share the burden with him.

His eyes lit up the moment he saw her, just like so many years ago, the first time Catherine visited this place. Just like almost every single time he saw her, as far as he could remember. He had cried, had moaned, had buried Joe by himself the day before, everything was still so raw. How was he supposed to deal with this?

But Catherine was here.

He knew he would be okay.

Eventually.

Steve willingly accepted Catherine's tight embrace, appreciating the fact that her hug was tighter and longer than normal. He was emotionally tired, he wanted to talk yet was afraid to lose his cool, he didn't want to be alone, and he wanted to get revenge, to punish the bastard who ordered the hit.

Catherine parted from their hug; her eyes were full of concern. She looked up and down, searching for any visible wound, hoping that Steve wasn't injured. He understood, heard her familiar voice whispering "Are you hurt?". Steve gently shook his head but didn't stop her from checking him.

After a couple of seconds of thoroughly checking Steve, making sure he's alright, except for some dark bruises on his handsome face, Catherine finally looked at his eyes, and her hands hesitantly touched his growing beard. She wanted to ask him so many things, wanted to tell him everything would be okay, but she couldn't utter one single word. He wouldn't need to hear that, she couldn't lie to him. Both of them knew that he would not be okay for a really long time. Joe's death wasn't something he could recover from within weeks.

"I bring someone to you", that was the first thing she said to him after their heartfelt hug. She knew he had a personal mission and needed to focus on that. Both of them. The sooner Steve could capture the person who was behind this, the easier it would be for him to breathe.

She tugged his hand, squeezing his hand a little, and dragged him outside the ranch, towards her car. Inside the truck was a strange guy, with his hands being tied up behind his back.

"Who is he?"

"I tracked down him on my flight from DC, had my contacts capture him, I personally picked him up after I landed. This guy is Hassan's lawyer. I haven't talked to him yet, he's all yours."

Steve looked at Catherine, he couldn't help feeling the pride and admiration for her. He could never ever underestimate how effective Catherine's intelligence work was. While he was busy burying Joe, moaning his mentor's death, she already took action, running around capture this guy.

For him.

Running right back to him, when he needed someone the most.

When he needed HER the most.

"Thank you, Cath. I don't know what I can say, but thank you!"

"Don't thank me yet! You can thank me after we get more intel from this guy. Let's get to work!"

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Steve put the guy in a chair, tying him up. He wanted to forget who he was. Who cared, he wasn't carrying a badge. Right this moment, he's an ex-Navy SEAL, he's not in law enforcement. He wanted to do things right, but the desire to seek revenge was even greater than that.

For the next two hours, Steve's only mission was to make this guy talk. Anything. But this asshole was tough, even after two hours of torturing, he hasn't uttered a single word.

Steve didn't plan to stop any time soon though.

Catherine sat outside the room, wincing while listening to the sound of beating and questioning. She gave Steve some space, to do what he felt like he needed to do at the moment, she didn't want to interrupt. Not yet.

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"I saw your note", Steve put his jacket around Catherine's shoulder, sitting down next to her on the porch, while she was looking at the mountains in front of Joe's ranch. It was getting darker and darker, the temperature in Montana was almost freezing, and Catherine looked like she was shivering.

"Thank you for picking up some food", Steve leaned his head towards the kitchen. He didn't realize how hungry he had been until he got eyes on something that were edible.

Catherine didn't want to worry Steve, so she left him a note on the table for him: _"I checked the house, there's nothing left. Not sure when was the last time you ate, I'm going to pick up some stuff. Will be back soon"._

"He said anything?", Catherine asked.

"Not yet. Tough guy."

They sat there in silence, both looking at the sunset from afar. After a while, Catherine could hear the soft sniffle coming from Steve. Her heart clenched thinking about how he must have felt, but she was glad that he was ready to talk.

"I always thought Joe was invincible", he took a short break, struggling to arrange his thoughts. "No one could break him, you know. He saved my ass more times than I would like to remember. Somehow, no matter how difficult the situation was, he always managed to get me out of trouble, and then he got into trouble himself", Steve let out a sound that almost sounded like laughing, "But he's gone this time. Really gone. I just keep wishing that he faked his death, like my mom, then it would mean someday I would find him to be alive, I would hate him for that, for sure, but I would feel grateful that he's still alive, you know. That's all I need. But... Joe died in my arms. It's real, he's really, really gone."

Catherine wasn't sure if there was anything she could say to possibly make it better for Steve. What Steve needed right now was probably just someone who listened to him, so that he could get all the guilt and sadness out of his system. She was more than willing to be that person for him.

If he still let her.

"I tortured a guy. Am I becoming "them"?"

Steve leaned towards Catherine, his head resting into her shoulder. She instantly knew what he was talking about. Her heart sank hearing the vulnerability and the hint of self-doubt, self-loathing in his voice.

The first time she went to this place was right after Steve graduated from his BUD/s class and was deployed in al-Qaeda for the first time, on his very first mission as a SEAL. The mission itself was successful, his team captured the guy they were after, but unfortunately, Steve was also captured by the enemy.

It was the longest 10 days of his life. He was already badly wounded when they found him, so he had no strength to fight back or to escape by himself. He had thought the training in the Navy, especially the training from the SEALs programs had prepared him for everything, even the worst scenario, but the truth was: he wasn't ready for that kind of torture they put him through. Even years later, sometimes in his worst days, he could still wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and trembling after having nightmares about those days being captured in that underground prison, being beaten brutally in every square skin of his body.

Steve was rescued by a SEAL team, led by Joe White, after 10 days in hell. He got three weeks off from the Navy. Steve was so terrified, he thought that it would be the end of his short-lived SEAL career. Steve remembered he was ordered to talk to a Naval psychologist after he woke up in the hospital, but he couldn't utter a single word, he just kept silent for the whole session, regardless of how many tactics the psychologist used to trigger him to talk. Eventually, Joe took a week off to take care of him, flew him to this ranch, stayed with him for the whole week.

And Joe did something Steve would forever be grateful for. He flew Catherine, who just started her career as a Navy Intelligence Officer, out to this ranch.

That was the first time Catherine stepped foot inside this place.

Joe brought Catherine to him when he needed her the most – even when both of them hadn't even realized yet how deep their feelings for each other were. They kept saying they were just each other's best friend back then, or at least both of them tried to convince themselves that way.

"Do you remember the first time you came here?", Steve asked Catherine, bringing them both back to reality from going down memory lane.

"Of course, feels like just yesterday."

"I was beaten so badly", Steve recalled, still having Goosebumps on his skin just thinking about it. All the times he was captured, kidnapped and tortured after he joined Five-0 didn't even come close to that first time, "I vowed to myself that I wouldn't treat a human being the way they treated me, I would never torture a soldier who fights for his country, for his leader. It shaped me to become who I am today", Steve stopped, trying to put his thoughts into words. Even back in his Navy days, he always chose another approach to get the information out of his prisoners – especially if they earned his respect. "But today I have this desire not to kill this guy, but to torture him slowly. He's a lawyer, not even a terrorist. Tell me, Catherine, am I becoming a monster?"

"Shhhh Steve", Catherine caressed Steve's hair, trying to comfort him, trying to find the right words, "Sometimes we've gotta do what we've gotta do, no matter we like it or not."

Steve tucked his face into Catherine's soft breast, seeking her warmth. Her presence always managed to find a way to make him feel safe, feel protected, even since that first time she came here to be with him, to chase his nightmare away. He wasn't sure if he could continue his SEAL career without her encouragement, her understanding back then. Their relationship changed immensely over the years, hitting the darkest points, but somehow, Catherine still had that same effect on him.

"I miss having you as my best friend, Catherine."

He was caught off guard in that moment. That was the only thing his brain was screaming to him, and he actually said that out loud. That was probably just stupid – the truth was he wanted much more than just a friendship with this woman next to him. The moment he called her first, instead of his second family Five-0, Steve realized who the person he needed the most in this life was always gonna be, regardless of how many times she broke his heart. Not Danny, not Chin, not Kono.

Catherine.

Catherine Rollins.

Catherine froze, tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. Somewhere deep down inside, she knew they could never, never go back to what they once had – the relationship she could never seem to move on from. But a tiny part of her still wished that somehow they could work out, they could get back to what they used to be.

But what Steve just said, while being the sweetest thing he could say right now, actually instantly destroyed what she had dreamt.

They could only be friends. Best friends.

But if that's the only way she could stay in his life, then let it be.

"I miss having you as my best friend, too, Steve. I can stay in your life from now on. Not in Hawaii, just in your life. We can check in more regularly, but right now, we have a mission ahead of us."

"Okay", Steve smiled at her, that was probably the first time he could flash a genuine smile since Joe died. Chicago made everything better for her, and to him, Catherine made everything better, even in the worst possible scenario.

"I'm in this with you until the end", Catherine squeezed Steve's hands.

"Thank you, Cath."

"Let's get inside! I'm freezing."

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Tbc


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello. I guess we all have heard the news. I've been feeling a bit nostalgic for the whole day, mostly because of McRoll, so I went through my laptop and found another chapter of this story. I guess I should share this with you guys. I hope you guys like it. Let me know what you think._

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**Chapter 2: **

It was the first time Catherine wasn't too thrilled that a difficult mission was finally over. She silently whispered sorry to Joe White for her selfishness.

The mission was successful. They got everything they came for. Hassan was captured, Steve made sure that the Navy could make a deal so Hassan would never get to see the light ever again. Greer was dead too, Catherine pulled the trigger before Greer even got the chance to hurt Steve. No, Catherine wouldn't let anyone hurt him. Not anymore.

Greer was an important target for both the CIA and the Navy, so after hearing about Greer's death, the CIA showed up, took over all the paperwork and secrets Greer left behind and gave Steve and Catherine a ride back home.

Steve has been extremely quiet since they boarded the plane. Catherine couldn't tell if he was upset that she killed Greer in front of his eyes or if he was relieved that they finally gave Joe a closure – a closure that he deserved.

"I'm sorry", Catherine finally broke the ice. She tried not to startle Steve as he seemed to be lost in his own mind. They hadn't talked about what had happened in that house yet.

"What for?", Steve turned towards Catherine, the warm smiles appeared on his eyes. For the first time in a whole month, Catherine saw the relief in his eyes. She couldn't help but smile back.

"You know… for Greer."

"Don't be. Are you seriously saying sorry because you killed her before she got to shoot me? Cath, you did the right thing", Steve squeezed her hands, comforting her.

"It's okay to moan, you know… I know you're probably very confused right now, but…", Catherine stopped. It's her second nature to defend people, to try to understand people from different points of view, but this time, it's really challenging to find any excuse to defend Greer.

"I'm not sad that she's gone. I'm mad at myself for not seeing this. Any of this."

"Not even the CIA suspected her. Nobody did. Steve, you can't blame yourself."

"I know."

Once again, silence prevailed between them. There was a long moment's silence before Steve raised his voice again, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"How long have you known about me and Greer? Was it after or before you joined the CIA?"

"Way before, when we both were still in the Navy, even before you came back to Hawaii."

"I just don't get it. Why did you never say anything to me? What if she lied to you?"

"As I said, it was before when we were dating. And it's not like we were committed to each other", she was committed from the start, but they never seemed to discuss the nature of their relationship, even after she moved to Hawaii permanently. "I don't want to be that girl who questioned her boyfriend's past. And you guys had a two-night-stand, so what? What should I possibly ask?", Catherine looked up at Steve, her eyes flashed a hint of sadness, thinking about what they once had, "You never brought her name up, so I had no reason to ask. Besides, it's not like we talked a lot back then. We never even discussed the thing… between us".

She never questioned if Steve was seeing someone else when she was away or when they didn't see each other; they just conveniently ignored that and jumped right into their bedroom activities whenever they were in the same city. "You didn't even know how I liked my eggs back then, remember?", Catherine teased him, referring to the awkward confrontation they had with his mom when she showed up and decided to cook both of them breakfast.

Steve stood stunned, unable to deny the truth in what she said. Catherine was right. He had always had some trouble expressing himself, especially when it came to relationships. He confided in Catherine his darkest secrets, his scariest nightmares, but they didn't talk much about anything else – about their daily stuff. He remembered one of the times when he called her at work, Catherine made a joke about how he never called just to say "Hello". For a really long time, both of them refused to use the words "boyfriend and girlfriend". Steve had his own ways to express how he felt about her, or at least he thought so. Probably he was too confident, he should have let her know how he really felt, then he wouldn't lose her like the way he did.

"I just don't like what she said to you", Steve didn't like the idea of Greer telling Catherine about their mini-vacation together, he silently replayed the conversation with Greer inside his head, when the 24-year-old version of him used the word "stress relief" to describe what it was between them. "I really hope you know what happened between me and her was entirely different from…."us"".

Catherine let out a soft sigh, her eyes darting to the floor. She wished Steve could say this to her before any of this happened. What she had said to Steve, about her not believing what Greer had said, wasn't entirely true. She did take it to heart for a really long time. Somehow, she was convinced that Steve was scared of commitment, just like what Greer had warned her about. That's why she never pushed Steve to take the next step, fearing that he would freak out and run away. She was willing to let him take his time.

Catherine closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, thinking back about the time Steve said "I love you" over the phone when she decided to stay in Afghanistan. It felt like a goodbye "I love you" at that moment, but she didn't mind. She was over the moon that finally, Steve had the confidence to say those words when she was awake. That wasn't actually the first time she heard him say those words, he just didn't know she knew. She had stuck around for so long in Steve's life, even without a title, because deep down inside, Catherine knew she was special. She was more than just an "old friend". That first night when they had sex, on their first official date, after their first dance, when they were lying side by side, flesh to flesh, sweating and all, when she was closing her eyes after a couple of wonderful sexual encounters, she heard Steve's voice asking if she was still awake. Catherine pretended she already felt into sleep, trying to control her breathing as if she was sleeping, she could feel Steve silently pull her even closer to his body. It was more about appreciation than sexual needs. Steve placed his lips on hers; there was something so gentle in that kiss that it almost crushed her. He whispered something, even in the middle of the night, in the quietest time of the day, in complete darkness; Catherine had to try to be completely still to be able to make out what Steve was whispering so softly.

"_I think I'm falling in love, Catherine. It's so fast, so scary; I don't know what to do. Don't ever walk out of my life!"_

_Steve sealed his little secret by placing another kiss on Catherine's forehead, his lips lingering around her temple. Catherine was the most gorgeous girl he'd ever met, she was even more beautiful without any make-up on, being naked, sleeping so peacefully in his arms tonight. Just a week ago, he was so scared that he would never see her ever again, would never be able to tell her how he felt about her, and that idea freaked him out more than dying. But right now, with her right next to him, their bodies intertwined, Steve couldn't bring himself to say those three words. He didn't know what held him back, but that night, he knew if he would never get married, his bride must be her. Catherine Rollins._

_Steve never knew Catherine heard him._

Catherine never imagined it would take him almost a decade later to finally voice his feelings to her.

She never doubted him, but every now and then, what Greer said all those years ago did revisit her. So the idea of Steve preparing a ring, the idea of him being ready to take the next step – with her, especially after all the heartbreak she had caused for him – had never even crossed her mind. Never ever.

It took her by complete surprise when Lynn accidentally dropped the bomb. That he was gonna propose. She remembered feeling crumble as if the world under her feet were torn apart, yet having to try her best to hold everything together until after their rescue mission. She wanted so hard to believe that everything Lynn said was just a cruel joke, but Steve's reaction when she brought it up confirmed it wasn't. He was really** ready** to marry her. After all those years.

She wasn't sure which one hurt her more: to see Steve move on with another woman or to learn that she was the one who walked away from him, right before he got the chance to actually ask her.

The pain and heartache tortured her for another year. There wasn't a single day she didn't think about Steve. Catherine tried to let it go, but she got to a point where she couldn't pretend anymore. She needed to know if he was really gonna do it. How could she miss any sign that week? He must have kept it so well from her. They never had a proper conversation after a whole year of separation, for her to explain what had happened, him proposing was honestly the last thing she could expect.

So her mission came in handy when one of her cases led back to the island. Catherine couldn't wait to catch up with him, waiting for the opportunity to ask him the question that had stuck with her for so long. She needed to know.

"_Were you really gonna propose, or did you just buy that ring in the event that you decided that you were gonna propose?",_ she asked him that day when she was trying to pull him out of that hole.

Gut-wrenching reality crashed down once again when he admitted he was really gonna propose. Not without trying to duck the question first.

"_What do you think?"_

"_Just answer the question."_

"_Yes, Catherine. I was gonna propose."_

Catherine was zoning out, memories came flooding right back, she was trying to figure out the timeline with Greer, and everything else. She didn't realize Steve was calling her name three times. She looked at him, nodded, mouthing "I know".

"I never loved her, not as I loved you", Steve said in a barely audible whisper.

Catherine looked tired. He wasn't sure if she heard him, so he leaned against the helicopter's wall just like she did. In fact, tiredness was catching up with both of them. The rest of the trip heading back to Montana went into silence, both of them trying to get some rest, closing their eyes, getting lost in their own thoughts – about the past, and the future.

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